How to keep the nightmares away (OS) - HHr
by KiwiiChann
Summary: Harry thought that the only solution left to avoid having nightmares was to avoid sleep as well, but he's mistaken and Hermione proves him wrong. Takes place during the hunt of the horcruxes in Deathly Hallows.


I'd been avoiding sleep for days since that night. I tried not to think about it too much, but I couldn't help myself. I could see their tombstone every time I closed my eyes. I saw Voldemort murdering them in front of me.

I still do. I remember everything, from the night when Nagini attacked Hermione and I to the day where I lost my parents.

I have nightmares every time since then. And I don't know how to stop them, so I just do my best to stay awake as much as possible. It's the only solution that seems to work. I don't have any dreamless potion, neither do I know how to make it, and there's no way I can ask Hermione about it. I don't want her to know because she worries too much already. She knows that something is different. After all, she was there when I woke up, sick and hardly breathing. We didn't talk about it. I could see that she was uncomfortable and so was I. Maybe the fact that I suddenly was able to remember what happened on October 31th in 1981 left me screaming, or even crying. I didn't ask her. I didn't want to anyway. I just remember the exact look on her face when our eyes met, it was full of concern, of dread... all of that for _me_, _because of _me. And it sickened me.

I don't want her to feel that way because of me. I know she already has to deal with the fact that Ron is gone, and the fear of never seeing him again that goes along with it. It's killing me inside, so I understand.

This situation left me exhausted. For her not to worry, I had to stay fully awake not to have the dreams.

It's been five days since we left Godric's Hollow. Five days since we avoided _the talk_. She wants to talk to me about what happened, about my parents. I'm just not ready yet and she's aware of it, so we just keep quiet. I hate it, I need her now more than ever, but I'm stuck. The nightmares aren't helping. It frightens me. Aren't I supposed to be the _big Hero_, the _Chosen One_, the only one that can save the world?

Aren't I supposed to be strong for her?

We took a room in a motel on a muggle town for the night (I don't know which one, but I guess it doesn't really matter). I don't know if it's because she was tired of that tent or if it's because she wanted to change her mind... or probably mine. I didn't argue.

I'm standing in front of the window as I try not to let my restless state reach over me. I feel I'm close to the edge though. I don't know if I'll be able to hold on much longer. I hear her stepping inside the room after she took a shower. I don't look at her but I feel her gaze on me as I remain motionless.

She had walked closer towards me even though I hadn't noticed and whispered "It's the full moon".

I had expected her to say it differently, like she had done some research about it on the library. _I've read about it, Harry. But it said that it wouldn't be the full moon until next Tuesday, or is it Tuesday already? Maybe we should go to the library tomorrow, just to be sure. _However, her voice was just a whisper, like she was afraid to talk to me with her strong, usual matter-of-fact tone. It was odd.

I wanted to apologize. To say I'm sorry about everything. Because I knew why she had said it the way she had. She had thought about Remus, about the time in third year when we had discovered he was a werewolf, about the time when we both used the time turner to save Sirius' life.

I wanted to tell her that I was glad she was here with me while she could have just left with Ron, like she wanted to. But she had stayed. And I was grateful. Truly.

Instead of speaking, I turned to her and she held my gaze. I reckon that, in that moment, she understood. In that moment, we were just Harry and Hermione again. There was no need for words. There was just us, and nothing else.

She smiled at me. It was a weak smile, but it was enough for me to feel better all of a sudden. I didn't smile back but she felt that there was a change in me. She always knew me better than I knew myself. She knew how I worked. She knew how to fix me.

_Merlin, I need her so much._

I was looking at her, left hypnotized by the way she smiled at me. It brought a warm feeling into my chest, something that I can't explain. I just know that it happens every time she does that, smiling, looking at me like I'm the only person in the room that gives her a reason to have hope. But I think it's the other way around. She's the one who gives me hope and I hope she realizes what she does to me. When I'm with her, I'm just me. Harry. I'm not _The-Boy-Who-Lived_ or _He-Who-Shall-Defeat-The-Dark-One_. Just Harry.

Hermione took a blanket and put it on the floor.

"Hermione, you can have the bed" I finally said, _I'm not going to sleep anyway _I thought, even though I knew I would fall asleep sooner or later.

I could see that she was surprised. It was the first time I'd talked since the other night.

"No, it's okay, I'm not that tired anyway" she answered.

I knew that what she had really meant was _you're the one who looks exhausted so you should have the bed_.

"Just take it" I said again. "I'm not going to bed just yet."

"And why is that?"

"I'm not tired."

She stared at me for a while before she opened her mouth again.

"You're lying" she simply replied.

I said nothing. Of course I was lying. And of course she knew I was lying. No one needed to be called the brightest witch of their age to be aware of the fact that I needed to rest.

"I don't mind sleeping on the floor."

"Harry, we both know that you're not going to sleep on the floor... and from what I know you're not going to sleep on the bed either."

I looked down at her and started to wonder when she had discovered that I hadn't been sleeping. She wasn't mad but she was preoccupied.

"You can have the bed" I repeated.

She sighed but sat on the bed and put the sheets over her.

"Alright, but if I take the bed, you're going to sleep beside me."

I was taken aback. "What do you mean?"

"There are bugs on the floor."

"Oh." She was still staring at me. "It's okay, I don't min-"

"Oh _come on_ Harry! Just give it a rest, _literally! _We've known each other for seven years, it's not like I haven't watched you sleep in the hospital wing or heal your body more times than I can count these days!"

"It's not that! It has nothing to do with you..."

"So what is it? Harry, you know you can tell me."

"I know, Hermione... I do, really. I'm sorry, it's just that..."

I couldn't say it. It would make it all real. And I couldn't be weak, especially not now. I found myself saying "...It's complicated."

I couldn't look at her but she didn't blink. "Tell me."

I knew that she would never give up on it.

"I- it's... You see, since _that_ night, you know- it's just that I- I've been..."

_I was being so stupid! It was Hermione, what was I afraid of?_

"... I have nightmares."

"I know."

We were silent for a while. I was speechless. How could she know about the nightmares?

"Y-You do?"

She grinned at me (_here's that feeling in the chest... again). _"Of course I do." She hesitated for an instant before she added "I know you".

Our eyes met. I couldn't help it.

"You might as well stay on the bed with me if you're going to try and stay awake. It's still more comfortable than down here" she continued, showing the cold and hard floor with her hand.

"I can't. I'm going to fall asleep if I'm laying down."

She gave a small laugh. "Well, that's the whole point, isn't it?"

I remained silent.

"Harry, come here. It's okay to be afraid. However, you really _need _to sleep. I don't think we'll be able to find a way to destroy the horcruxes if you're too tired to think about it."

She then gave me a reassuring smile, and I knew that I had given up, so I made my way to the other side of the bed and made sure not to touch any part of Hermione's body while I lied down without covering myself with the sheets. I was fully dressed contrary to her who was wearing her white pajamas.

Hermione turned to her side to look at me. I was watching the ceiling, still trying to keep my eyes open, though I felt like that headache would be the end of me.

She was the first to break the silence.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I gave her a questioning look. "I mean... the nightmares."

I turned my head back to the ceiling and saw a spider on it. Trying not to think about how Ron would have reacted, I told her that I didn't know. That was true. I didn't really want to talk about it, but on the other hand it was _Hermione_. I knew I could confide in her, I also knew that I'd somehow feel better if I told her about my parents. But something was drawing me back. I didn't want to make her feel bad for me.

We kept quiet once more, she was still on her side but her gaze was focused on something that only her could see.

Then I felt her move quickly and when I turned to look at her, my face suddenly met the pillow she was throwing at me.

"Huumphhf!" I took the pillow with one hand and sat down. "_Hermione!_ What was that for?!"

She burst into laughter and it was the only answer I got from her, but I couldn't help but smile. It was a genuine smile, the first one since months. Only _her_ could have that effect on me.

She noticed it as well and she stopped laughing abruptly. I had no idea I could have that kind of impact on her.

When she caught my gaze, she pretended that she hadn't been paying attention to it and carried on like nothing had happened.

"If you don't want to use the sheets, I thought you ought to at least have a pillow" she explained as if this was the simplest thing in the world.

"Yeah right, thank you _so _much" I said sarcastically.

She just smiled slyly (it seemed to me that she smiled _a lot_ tonight!) and closed her eyes.

Laying back on the bed, I shifted a little closer to where she was, feeling more comfortable than ever. We really were Harry and Hermione again, and as I was thinking about it, my eyes closed.

This time, I didn't see my parents' grave. I didn't see a green flash of light crashing into them. I didn't see Sirius falling into the veil. I saw her and _only _her. Her smile, the way her cheek reddened when she laughed, the way her laughter had stopped when she had realized that she had made me smile, that she had made me happy. She was the light that made darkness disappear for a while, and it was enough. There are times when I want to do the same things that she does for me. Sometimes, I don't get what she sees in Ron, because he does nothing to make her happy. Don't get me wrong, I do love Ron very much, he's my best mate and the thing I cared about the most... _Cared_. It's a strange feeling. I still care about him, but it seems that _he_ doesn't since he left. He doesn't deserve her. I don't think anyone deserves her, actually. But her self esteem is so low that she doesn't realize she could be with someone better.

She had cried for _him. _And that for weeks. I honestly don't know how I managed to cope with it. Those nights when she thought I was asleep and started to weep were the worst. In these moments, I didn't want Ron to come back. That thought scared me, but I didn't want him to hurt her anymore.

One night, I couldn't pretend not to hear her. I wanted to show her that I cared, that she was loved. We were best friends after all, right? So I went to her. She was on her bed, her arms around her legs, sobbing. It broke my heart. When she heard me, she lifted her head and wiped away her tears. She knew that it was too late, that I had seen her cry, but she still tried to smile. The things she would do for me make me go mad. I was mad for her. I remember that I told her to stop and to cry. I told her that it didn't disturb me, that she didn't have to hide, that I was there if she needed me. And Merlin knows how she needed me. We both needed each other.

We still do. We always will.

So I hugged her, I pushed her body close to mine... and I waited.

The next thing I knew was that she said she wanted to go to Godric's Hollow.

I never asked her why she did. I never understood. I just held her close and said that I'd go anywhere with her. She caught my eyes and said "No Harry. _I'm_ the one who'll go anywhere with _you_."

I'm falling for her. And I'm falling hard.

I think I almost fell asleep. I was about to drown into my thoughts, and for the first time since that night with the snake and Voldemort, I knew that I wouldn't have a bad dream tonight. She had taken my hand with hers. My body had moved closer to hers, I felt her warmth, I smelt her hair, but I didn't open my eyes.

I didn't know she had. I wasn't aware of the fact that she was looking at me, that she entwined her fingers with mine. I was eventually asleep, because for once I felt safe.

Hermione was looking out for me.

. . . . . . .

She made it go away.

We kept sleeping next to each other as days went by. I always fell asleep first, barely feeling her holding my hand or my arm. The nightmares were gone, replaced by her presence.

I told her about my dreams. She let me talk for hours as I described everything, from what I'd seen to what I'd felt.

I told her that she made it go away.

From that moment, I knew that she had been right when she had told me that I'd eventually be okay. I've only realized now that it would be thanks to her.


End file.
